Meet Katie

New baby in the house, 11 week old Katie.

Teasing Tuesday

Today was one of those rainy days when all you want to do is take a nap.  My co-worker here would probably die if she knew she was here for all to see. Actually I took the picture to email our boss since we tell him all the time that we take naps all day, so this was my proof. We really were busy even though we didn't want to be.

But on another note I have started my new workout plan and I am so happy with it. Beginning to get that love hate thing going although I am not eating better yet, but one thing at a time. All over my body I have twinges of pain/pleasure.

Tomorrow is chili day at work so lots of goodied will be on the table and then Sunday another potluck since it will be the kick off for our revival. Ooh, such temptations.

Not much sewing going on, can't even say why. Some days just disappear and you aren't even sure where.

Well. till next time. . .

Sharing Saturday

Living with a husband with stage four prostate cancer is like living in a fog.

No one knows about this blog, since I haven't decided I am ready to share with my family and friends. But I do know I don't want this to be "about" him, but since he is my DH it is hard not to share about him sometimes.

Today is 2 yrs., 7 mths. and 9 days since he was diagnosed. When you are told you are stunned and your back gets straighter in an effort to keep it together. This is when the fog begins. We didn't look at each other but I heard the air release from DH's  body. Doc Jack rambles on about PSA bloodwork to confirm the type but the xrays and the CT scan are clear. He leaves and Gina rushed in for the blood draw, and still we didn't speak to each other.

This was Thursday and my 49th birthday. Gina told us we had appointment in the morning with Oncologist and we hold hands and leave with our backs straight. For 18 miles we held hands and when we got in the driveway we cried until we couldn't cry any more.

Friday morning we meet Doc Onc, tells us psa is 1913.7 and anything above 4 is high. Over the next two weeks everything is a blur with scans, biopsy testing, blood draws and everyday we come home drained and tired unsure of what comes next. We learned his Gleason Score is 4+5=9. (10 is the most aggressive.) We learned his cancer is in the prostate, bone marrow, in his bone skeleton from his upper neck to his mid thighs, lymph nodes and 5 spots total between both lungs. No cure but treatment can keep it at bay for years for however long they work.

This is when I slowly found blogs, I understood intellectually that no one dies from a bad prostate, so how do they die? How long do they live @ stage four?

No, I never found answers. But gradually I have come to understand side effects from treatment claims most of them. Prostate cancer thrives on testosterone, so he began hormone therapy and is chemically castrated three weeks later. Lack of testosterone is bad for the heart so heart disease claims most.

With a lower Gleason Score the treatments work longer because the cancer is less aggressive so by December we are seeing the psa climbing again after bottoming out to .08. By April we are at 9.7, doubling time is also measured and this is bad. Radiation April/May 2012 to help with the lower back pain in his spine.

Chemo began June 2012 every 3 weeks until it stopped controlling it as well, this was in January and hormone therapy was added again and it continued until May of this year. July we moved onto Zytiga and there we remain now. We are coming to the end of the list of treatments available to him when this too stops working.

Through it all I have been to every Doc visit and every treatment, but the fog never really goes away. Sometimes like now I see some light and I struggle to remain above the fog, to stay "here" in my thoughts instead of just being reactive. But it is hard.

This is why I joined the gym, to keep my focus on living not just existing by his side as I have been. I love him, and my heart aches over all this but I have to work so hard to be okay for me later and yet I am no hurry for later either.

I am a member of a forum for PCa wives and recently a spouse passed and another long time widow called this time that I am living now "a rehearsal."

And it is. A rehearsal.  For later. We spend so much time thinking our plans for later that we forget how to really feel. Then they go. And we forget to rehearse pain, as if we can.

Yesterday I met with my trainer and I feel positive about my workout plan we put together. I plan on focussing on three areas. Back fat, arm and core. The lower areas will tone with walking. Yep, I am sore.

But I am also above the fog today and cleaning the house as though I am on a crusade, dumplings tonight and pumpkin bread for me. Strawberry muffins leftover from the other day for him.

I will continue to do this one day at a time with God's help.

Totally Tuesday

Ok, that's it. I am tired of being fat!!!!

Joined anytime fitness, I used to workout faithfully until he was diagnosed, then I just quit. I sit in my chair and keep him company, but this ain't working for me. So? Since I can't really leave him I can spend some time on the equipment like I used to a few mornings a week. I hate working out, but I love the way it makes me feel, most of all I no longer recognize me in the mirror.

So I have posted a picture of me from Sunday as my starting point of 197 pounds. Yep! I put it out there for all to see. I am accountable!

Mundane Monday

Just another day in paradise.

Cruising in to work this morning I saw something I hadn't seen a long, long time. A man peeing on the side of the road.

Now this may be a weird subject but you have to realize some strange this when you are reminded of them. The men in my life would never be so rude but when we were kids public restrooms were few and far between so my dad would stop, open the doors and us four girls would hunt for a tree on the side of the road.

What we musta looked like I can only imagine. :-)

Serene Sunday

Not much today, took a ride out to Long Pool Rec. Area and guess what. Closed because of the issues in our government.

But it was a nice ride anyway, just shoulda been better.

These are my guys, DH and Alex, my 5 yr old sheltie with cushings disease and thyroid disease as well.

Slow Saturday

I got up kinda late this morning, 8:30, and decided to finish some things after straightening up the house a bit.

This baby blanket for instance, I started it last year and it has bothered me badly. Halfway through it we went to Pioneer Days in Searcy where I met this woman that taught me a lot about hand quilting. I promptly came home and finished the quilting, and exactly half is stitched one way and half another. It embarrasses me how bad my quilting used to be. Bigger stitches and uneven too.

I have no idea what I will do with it now that the binding is done, I have been meaning to find the Rockin' Babies of Pope County and donate a few others I have as well. It is such a worthy cause and so few in other counties I have lived ever know of it.

Simply babies taken from their parents in a  group home and people come give love to these babies for a few hours each week. These babies have no bonds, and to simply love them and rock them and hopefully teach them what love feels like can make such a difference in a child's emotional development.

I also brought my keyboard from work home and popped the keys and washed them. Yes, I know it is not necssary but we wash everything else in our lives don't we?

Pork chops for dinner, and pumpkin bread on the menu. Mmmmm. . .  Maybe some cookies too.

Fantastic Friday

Some days are so fantastic you just have to smile your way through them.

Got off work at noon and the day was so beautiful I came home and got my DH for lunch at Colton's. We shared a salad and an onion blossom and came away stuffed to the gills. I was ruined for the rest of the day.

Got in a little sewing on my grandson's new placemats, he looooves snowmen so I am working on this for him. I know he is gonna love them.

Kinda late for me, so more later.

My First Post

Ok. Where to start, all I know is this is my first post and I have spent so much time figuring this stuff out and I have nothing to say. Too funny.