Sharing Saturday

Living with a husband with stage four prostate cancer is like living in a fog.

No one knows about this blog, since I haven't decided I am ready to share with my family and friends. But I do know I don't want this to be "about" him, but since he is my DH it is hard not to share about him sometimes.

Today is 2 yrs., 7 mths. and 9 days since he was diagnosed. When you are told you are stunned and your back gets straighter in an effort to keep it together. This is when the fog begins. We didn't look at each other but I heard the air release from DH's  body. Doc Jack rambles on about PSA bloodwork to confirm the type but the xrays and the CT scan are clear. He leaves and Gina rushed in for the blood draw, and still we didn't speak to each other.

This was Thursday and my 49th birthday. Gina told us we had appointment in the morning with Oncologist and we hold hands and leave with our backs straight. For 18 miles we held hands and when we got in the driveway we cried until we couldn't cry any more.

Friday morning we meet Doc Onc, tells us psa is 1913.7 and anything above 4 is high. Over the next two weeks everything is a blur with scans, biopsy testing, blood draws and everyday we come home drained and tired unsure of what comes next. We learned his Gleason Score is 4+5=9. (10 is the most aggressive.) We learned his cancer is in the prostate, bone marrow, in his bone skeleton from his upper neck to his mid thighs, lymph nodes and 5 spots total between both lungs. No cure but treatment can keep it at bay for years for however long they work.

This is when I slowly found blogs, I understood intellectually that no one dies from a bad prostate, so how do they die? How long do they live @ stage four?

No, I never found answers. But gradually I have come to understand side effects from treatment claims most of them. Prostate cancer thrives on testosterone, so he began hormone therapy and is chemically castrated three weeks later. Lack of testosterone is bad for the heart so heart disease claims most.

With a lower Gleason Score the treatments work longer because the cancer is less aggressive so by December we are seeing the psa climbing again after bottoming out to .08. By April we are at 9.7, doubling time is also measured and this is bad. Radiation April/May 2012 to help with the lower back pain in his spine.

Chemo began June 2012 every 3 weeks until it stopped controlling it as well, this was in January and hormone therapy was added again and it continued until May of this year. July we moved onto Zytiga and there we remain now. We are coming to the end of the list of treatments available to him when this too stops working.

Through it all I have been to every Doc visit and every treatment, but the fog never really goes away. Sometimes like now I see some light and I struggle to remain above the fog, to stay "here" in my thoughts instead of just being reactive. But it is hard.

This is why I joined the gym, to keep my focus on living not just existing by his side as I have been. I love him, and my heart aches over all this but I have to work so hard to be okay for me later and yet I am no hurry for later either.

I am a member of a forum for PCa wives and recently a spouse passed and another long time widow called this time that I am living now "a rehearsal."

And it is. A rehearsal.  For later. We spend so much time thinking our plans for later that we forget how to really feel. Then they go. And we forget to rehearse pain, as if we can.

Yesterday I met with my trainer and I feel positive about my workout plan we put together. I plan on focussing on three areas. Back fat, arm and core. The lower areas will tone with walking. Yep, I am sore.

But I am also above the fog today and cleaning the house as though I am on a crusade, dumplings tonight and pumpkin bread for me. Strawberry muffins leftover from the other day for him.

I will continue to do this one day at a time with God's help.